"Sky Rockets in Flight"

Excluding any illegal acts, my first time was more of a disaster than yours.

I understand that rarely is the first time that fairytale that one might hope.

Mine was worse. I promise.

(At this point, I'd like to go ahead and invite my mother to stop reading)

Romance was not part of my game just yet, thoughts of same being trumped by the fact that I had found someone willing to have sex with me.

I had secured a location that afforded privacy and nothing else. It was not a candle-lit room with flowers and Barry White. It was a dingy, window-less, basement bedroom. A scraggly, stained indoor/outdoor carpet covered the room but exposed the cement floor in various patches. Grey, warped paneling covered the walls. As if the creep factor wasn't solidified enough, a large poster of Jack Nicholson's "Here's Johnny!" scene from The Shining hung on the walls

Honestly, I can't remember if my cousin and his friends were there at the beginning of the proceedings or came home from football practice once things had progressed. I had other things on my mind and was able to ignore the outside world, as it turns out, to my considerable detriment.

My cousin, Booger, is a story unto himself. Operating with little to no filter, Booger is at once my cousin, one of my best friends, as well as my chief rival and nemesis. He is loud, profane, and reactionary. Importantly, Booger operates on his own code that remains a mystery to those who know him. I knew this then, and now. This is why my taking for granted exactly what I thought Booger would do seems so foolish in retrospect

In this case I just assumed that he'd see a closed door and knock

Anyone who has ever had an intimate moment interrupted can relate to that sickening, nauseous, dread that starts at the base of your spine and the pit of your stomach as you hear a hand on the door and realize that door is not locked.

The degree of terror is directly proportionate to the degree of intimacy your act entails.

Changing clothes is bad.

Using the bathroom is worse,

Being walked in on while having sex is certainly the worst of any scenario. Throw in the fact it is the first time you are actually doing said act and the horror is unspeakable.

In a similar vein, it is supposed to be horrifying for the intruder. No one wants to walk in on that and the interloper usually slams the door while screaming some panic filled combination of apology and explanation.

As I said, my cousin has his own set of norms and mores

"SHANEY FUCKIN!"
"SHANEY FUCKIN!"
"SHANEY FUCKIN!"

At this point I have completely forgotten there is a naked human being beneath me and am screaming at Booger to close the door. My own stream of curses and commands match his volume and intensity:

SHUTTHEFUCKINGDOORYOUASSHOLESHUTUPSHUTTHEFUCKINGDOOR!

After what seemed like forever,the shock of what was happening wore off and it simultaneously occurred to my cousin and I that he had come into that room for a reason. Our eyes locked. Booger looked at his hand and my eyes followed.

He was holding a cordless phone.

"Uh...It's fo you"

Booger threw the phone and ran away, leaving the door wide open and me with a decision to make

For reasons I still can't explain, I took the call

It was my father's landlord on the other line. After an uncomfortable pause, she inquired as to the whereabouts of my father as his rent was due and his clothes and personal effects were still there

This is when things went really bad.

"Uh, my dad's in jail."
"HE'S IN JAIL?!?"
"Yes."
"Will he be there a long time?"
"Yes, about 9 months"
"Well what..."
"Listen I'm going to call you back."

My plan was to ease my girlfriend into that little nuance of my personal life. That plan too, became a victim of this disaster.


Inevitably, the reaction to this story is the same.

What was she doing?

Well then what happened?


The answer is simple.

I don't know.

I have no idea what happened next and I don't remember what she was doing. It's fair to assume she was questioning why she got involved with this idiot and his obnoxious and apparently criminal family

I don't remember how the story ends.

I know for certain how it didn't end.