Like any good liberal woman my wife wanted one thing more than anything else: a stable of gay men she could call her friends.
She would speak about other friends who had close gay friends almost wistfully
"See those guys? They love Carrie and Cheryl. They'd be perfect!. "
She would scheme and plan in an attempt to invite gay couples over for dinner and would pout dejectedly when the offer wasn't met with what she felt should be the appropriate amount of enthusiasm. Oddly, I felt like I was asking my own wife about her dating prospects with other men. I even recognized subconsciously that I was treading carefully, ridiculous as it was, so as not to pour salt on a wound.
"How'd it go," I might ask tentatively
"They said they'd call me"
"Oh! So that's good!"
She'd flash me a look letting me know that patronizing her wasn't appreciated.
"They aren't going to call me."
I then continued the ridiculous charade of reminding her all she had going for her.
She was stylish.
She was sweet and funny.
She was a woman working in Democratic politics for Christ sake. She was going to meet, as I told her with just a slight bit of intended pun, "more gay men than she could shake a stick at."
As usual when it came to reassuring my self-conscious better half, I was right. Karen finally met several un-eligible bachelors and developed quick bonds with them.
She couldn't have been happier.
These were good guys. Funny and smart with like minded attitudes and morals, I quickly grew to calling these men my friends and my wife was always quick to set boundaries.
"I really like Jordy," I'd tell her. "He's fucking hilarious."
A cool but deadly countenance would come over her.
"He's my friend"
"OK, well he's my friend too."
"No," she flatly rejected
Sadly I knew it wasn't her husband she was jealous of but her new gay friend.
I thought Karen had possibly gone 'round the bend with Larry.
Larry was an older man who took her under his wing after a lifetime in Michigan politics. As most who meet her do, he quickly grew to love my wife. Its difficult not to. Karen has a sweetness made up of equal parts genuine goodness, a great sense of humor, a fantastic work ethic, and a willingness to help.
The affection was mutual for my wife.
"Honey, I want Larry to adopt me."
Having no desire to see my father-in-law thanked for 28 years of good service and ushered out the door without so much as a gold watch, , I reminded Karen she had a dad and he was still very much alive.
"I just love him."
Clearly, she meant Larry.
Karen also maintains a small amount of that 1950's Catholic instilled by her mother that is in conflict with the educated liberal woman that she is. While very curious about the dating and bedroom lives of her new friends, she was not the type to ask them about it. She was shy. She might hint or dance around the subject but getting her to come out with questions regarding this subject was equivalent to pulling teeth. Ironically, she got a fair amount of her information from me.
Not unlike minor carpentry and small auto maintenance, I'd learned basic facts about the homosexual man through other sources and not unlike changing a tire and the importance of crowning your lumber while framing a wall, it was something that stuck inside my cavernous head.
I explained to her about certain subsets in the gay community. I taught her about "bears"and informed her that by a relative definition, she preferred "bears" her self. I advised her about "tops" and "bottoms" and other things I'd learned along the way and she was always a captive audience.
"How do you know this," she asked.
"Friends."
"You don't have any gay friends!"
She was always pissed at the insinuation that I had gay friends and she didn't
"Well yes, I do. and Doug had a lot of gay friends."
Adding my cousin, often a source of antagonism with my wife, was even worse.
"Oh what the hell does Doug know"
The obvious answer being more than she did; I wasn't interested in fighting that fight.
As her relationship with Larry grew, she began to wade into the deeper waters ever so slowly.
One day she came home with two books that Larry had given her. Years later he explained the additions to our library in a manner that would come to no surprise whatsoever to anyone who knows my wife
"I got so god-damn tired of her questions. Not the fact that she was asking them but she's so god-damn bashful that it would take her a fucking hour to ask them."
In all my life, I never thought mine would be a coffee table that housed "The Guide to Strap-on Sex" and "The Joy of Gay Sex" but there they were there for all to see. Karen would peruse them at night muttering an intrigued "ohhhhhh" and when her suspicions confirmed, the occasional "mmmmm-hmmm" and every now and then a startled "Oh My!"
I steered clear.
I pride myself on being an open minded socially liberal man. I think that a person's right to happiness is his or her own and I am fiercely protective of that right provided it doesn't infringe on anyone else.
As much as I am not proud, I confess a bit of an uneasiness when it comes to physical affections between two men. It isn't that they are infringing on my rights. It isn't a moral objection and it has nothing to do with my half-hearted Catholicism. In fact , that thinking and the fact that homosexuals are persecuted with an often tacit if not blatant approval is a hot point of anger for me. No, my issues were much more simple and primal:
Dudes are gross.
I am one. I have lived with several. . Hairy and disgusting, even the most sculpted amongst us are horrific,piggish mammals who should by all right be made to live in large pens with the rest of the hogs.
I loved Brokeback Mountain. I thought it a terrific movie and a heartbreaking story. Heath Ledger gave a haunting and wonderful performance. I mean that. However, the scenes were the two actors would express themselves physically brought me back to being seven years old and seeing "The Exorcist" for the first time. I'd wince and while I stopped short of covering my eyes, I'd avert them and was glad when the scene had passed.
(Conversely, I love watching two women have sex and have rationalized it thusly as balance.)
Ultimately Karen's questions began to, shall we say, probe more deeply.
"I wonder if Larry's a top or a bottom?"
"He's a bottom."
"Why do you say that?"
He's a bottom. I guarentee it.
"Why do you think that?"
"I just do."
Karen's suspicions could not be quelled and she came home to announce her findings.
"I told Larry you wanted to know if he was a top or a bottom," she stated matter of factly.
"WHAAAA.WHAT THE FUCK? WHY? I DIDNT WANT TO KNOW THAT. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
She ignored my protests and continued on.
"He's a bottom"
She then began to laugh
"He said, 'You tell Sean that I'm a bottom. I just like to sit back and relax."
I simultaneously hissed and winced.
"Ahhh Jesus Karen...Well you tell Larry that I can't think of anything less relaxing."
Weeks passed with a smattering of less graphic updates that in retrospect, was a calm before the storm.
I was on my lunch hour when the phone rang
"Hi Honey,"
"Hi. Uh, I have gotten us into some trouble." My wife's tone was a slight and not-too serious panic
"What's up?"
"Well you know how I've been asking Larry about things?
My mined flashed with images from "Joy of Gay Sex" that I wish I could un-see
"Yup. I sure do."
Well, I don't know what to do because I don't want to hurt his feelings but he wants to come over and talk to both of us about it."
"Hurt his feelings Karen."
"I can't" she half wailed.
"Karen, I'm serious. I don't want any part of that."
"Well what am I supposed to do?"
"Fuck if I know, but get us out of it."
"No. I'm afraid he's lonely and I think he's touched that we have taken an interest."
"God Damnit Karen! We havent. You have!"
I silently stewed as my wife timidly went forward
"There's more"
"What. The. Fuck? What else could there possibly be?"
"He wants to bring videos."
"NO FUCKING WAY KAREN! NO. NO FUCKING WAY WHATSOEVER. NO!"
"Just calm down"
"FUCK THAT. NO. I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW I WILL NOT BE THERE FOR THAT. NO WAY."
"Don't be like that."
Be like what?! I want no fucking part of this and did not get us into this. You deal with it but you get us out of it. I mean it Karen!"
She dug in her heels and prepared for the fight to come.
"No, I'm not. We have to. I'm not hurting his feelings. I'm sorry and I know its my fault but we have to do it."
"KAREN, IM NOT SITTING AROUND WITH YOU AND LARRY AND WATCHING INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEOS ON BUTT-FUCKING!"
The raw fury only added to the confusion as I heard a raucous laughter on the other end of the line. Several people had burst out in hysterics and it was clear that multiple people in my wife's office had been listening to our conversation by way of speaker phone.
With a sweetness betrayed only by a deep and complete satisfaction my wife let me off the hook.
"April Fools"
She had me. The date had never occurred to me. It was the practical joke equivalent of a no-hitter and only could be delivered ; when one person knows their victim so well.
"Wow," I said, "You ..really.. fucking.. got me."
"I know. Love You." (Click)
Her smug tone seeped through the line. And like that, she was gone.
I have no idea how long this had been planned. I don't know if her feigning my interest was part of an elaborate scheme or her own shyness legitimately led to my being a scapegoat. Both are possible. I have no idea if others were involved or if she , on a whim, decided that April 1st morning to simply throw a line and try and get a bite. She knew that I would want to support her in any way I could in new friendships and she knew further that I wouldn't want to hurt Larry's feelings and more than anything else, she knew if it was something important to her that I would acquiesce, albeit extremely begrudgingly. To her credit,she took full advantage. I am proud of her for that and I tell the story often
This I do know. At no time in my life have I been so efficiently and thoroughly duped. It was a remarkable virtuoso performance. It began innocently enough with my wife's education and culminated with my being completely schooled.
